


Summer Twilight

by 10outof10



Series: Four Seasons of Chan's Agony [3]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Depression, Other, Self Harm, attempted suicide, reader's discretion is advised, self hate, this can be triggering, this took so long
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-16
Updated: 2016-10-16
Packaged: 2018-08-22 18:03:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8295031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/10outof10/pseuds/10outof10
Summary: They say to get to paradise you’ll have to face the devil himself. The devil will show you a world without you and it will be perfect, he will show you weapons, choose between your misery or your salvation. He’ll promise to make the pain go away. It would be so easy, with just a snap of a finger, everything will end. ---It's summer, and the members thought it was a great idea to take Chan for a vacation, but Chan wasn't having it with his demons coming along.





	

**Author's Note:**

> this took so long, i was able to finish this up now because my finals is over. anyways, enjoy..?

** TRIGGER WARNING: This story contains graphic representation of self harm and attempted suicide. Please do read with discretion and refrain from going any further if you are sensitive to these or going through it yourself. **

 

* * *

 

They say the low after the high is always the worst. Chan has proven this countless of times now. And somehow, the vicious cycle of highs and lows managed to have eaten him alive, and oddly enough, he loved every single bit of it.

He’s scared.

He always radiated pastel colors during his happy days, but he vomits black and red when the voices in his head tells him that Mingyu’s cooking is poison, or when Jihoon tell him his lyrics can’t be used for the song, or whenever Soonyoung never has time to listen to his concerns, or just him opening his eyes in the morning, breathing consciously but empty. Chan has always forced a smile, hoping to fool himself that he is fine. He knows he’s not. They know he’s not. The voices tell him he is, but they always sing to him his nightmares, and they don’t stop. They never stop.

“Shut up! Everybody, shush!” Seungcheol comes in the room, a paper on hand, a letter it seems, he looks at everyone in the room before his eyes landed on the youngest member of the team. He gave a soft smile at Chan, knowing his condition, the younger one only looked down. Feeling his shoulders getting heavier, it’s about him again, it has always been about him. It started with his small escape during the last day of autumn, everyone kept an eye on him since then, and he hated it. He hated the attention. He hated how Jisoo would tell him it be would okay. He hated how Seungkwan would hug him out of nowhere and tell him he’s his favorite younger member besides Hansol. He hated how Jeonghan would ask him every thirty minutes on who his baby is. _Shut up, nobody cares who your baby is._

“What is it hyung?” Hansol took off his earphones as he looked up at their leader with a puzzled face. Everyone followed, putting a halt on whatever they were up to to listen to the eldest talk. They all seemed to know what it was, Chan can feel it. _They fucking suck at acting._

“Well, the company has given us a chance to go an a vacation to Seungkwan’s home island. So we could spend time together, share our feelings and heal you know? I feel like we all need it.” No, you feel like I need it. Cut the bullshit and just tell me, I’m the problem! Seungcheol took a deep breathe and finally looked at Chan, “It’ll be like a family outing.” The younger looked back at his phone, acting as if he didn’t get the hint their leader gave him.

The members cheered, excited for this one week vacation that they were given, they know it was for Chan and for him to unwind, because yeah, a freaking one week summer vacation would totally get rid of his desire to kill himself every hour. Seokmin plopped down next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulder, pulling him closer, he wore a happy grin that almost ripped his face apart.

“Maknae-yah~ I want you to be my plane buddy and roommate, is that okay?” He waited for Chan to answer, the latter was reluctant, Seokmin is always loud, he sleepwalks, and he talks in his sleep. He looked up at everyone who seemed to have decided on their partners, they planned this, “Come on Dino, you wouldn’t want to room with manager hyung now, do you?”. He looked up to find Soonyoung staring at him, giving him a look, Soonyoung planned this.

“Y..yeah hyung, sure, I’d be your partner.” Chan quietly said, followed by a loud cheer from the main vocalist, the youngest saw the look on the performance team leader softened before giving him an apologetic smile. Chan could only grit his teeth, it was a perfect plan to keep him from killing himself, literally. How genius.

 

* * *

  
It was a rainy Friday night, their flight was set to Jeju Island early morning the next day, an excited local boy couldn’t sleep, staying up all night under his sheets as he look up at the dark ceiling. The soft snores and shuffled movements of the members seemed like a perfect melody, he couldn’t wait to go back to his hometown. At the same time, he couldn’t wait to spend time with the members, especially Chan. He was the one who suggested going to his place because it’s far from the usual city, he wanted to take him to places that had special meaning to him and he was sure that it would help their youngest cheer up.

Seungkwan still remembers the day Chan suddenly disappeared, they were all worried sick for him, leaving thousands of messages and calls but none were answered. He cried the most, he thought their youngest had been kidnapped, or worse, he could have been mugged and left dead somewhere. He doesn’t really have the best imagination, and overthinking results to him suddenly panicking. He can still recall how he suddenly ran out to look for Chan everywhere, his face stained with tears as he asks the clerk at the convenience store on the whereabouts of a boy who’s almost the same age as him. He felt more worried after the clerk told him that there was a boy that came by and bought things he shouldn’t have bought.

After he came back and informed the others, he fell ill and had a fever due to crying too much and going out barefoot with no jacket. Seungkwan actually felt stupid, going out like that, but his judgement wasn’t the really the best at that moment. He woke up to a crying Chan next to him, blaming himself of what happened, Seungkwan saw just how vulnerable Chan is no matter how many times the younger tries to hide his pain, growing up and practicing together for years, and experiencing puberty together, Seungkwan can surely prove that the sparkle in Chan’s eyes are no longer evident. The loud happy laugh he’d let out after a joke has now turned into an uninterested chuckle, the powerful charisma the younger one radiates when he walks inside or dances is no longer that powerful. Seokmin doesn’t believe him, because to him—‘Dino can still dance with charisma and he still walks confidently’ but Seungkwan feels like it’s lacking, and he’s not the only one who could feel it. The older members feel it too. And they could only look at him and feel so bad, because they don’t know what to do, and Chan is too prideful to seek for help.

 

* * *

 

 

They say to get to paradise you’ll have to face the devil himself. The devil will show you a world without you and it will be perfect, he will show you weapons, choose between your misery or your salvation. He’ll promise to make the pain go away. It would be so easy, with just a snap of a finger, everything will end.

Chan walked on the concrete, barefoot and in his pajamas, he could feel the cold ground embracing the bottom of his feet as the small rocks kiss and clung onto his skin. He didn’t mind. He was too broken to care. A sudden pain stabbed his chest, it was constricting and he couldn’t breathe, his tears started to fill his eyes as he knelt down. The whole world was silent, dark, and cold, he could hear everyone’s voice mocking him, judging him, laughing at him.

_No. Shut up. Stop it!_

He closed his eyes, hands cupping his ears before his nails dug into the side of his head. Chan could feel bleeding but the pain felt so good, like comfort, the pain felt warm. He opened his eyes and saw a knife in front of him.

_Maybe my heart would stop hurting if it stopped beating. Pain. More pain._

The young boy took the knife to his hand and pointed the sharp edge to his chest, he took a deep breathe and distant the object posterior to his torso before swiftly pulling it to his chest–

 

 

“Chan! Wake up! We landed already!” Seokmin’s loud and cheerful voice almost busted his eardrum, Chan immediately opened his eyes, a bright light and busy people greeting him. “Manager already took your things, we just have to get down, yeah? Let’s go!” The older one messed his hair before walking towards the end of the plane to the exit.

There was a strong feeling of lost, like mourning, Chan could feel his chest still constricting, and he’s sure it isn’t from his clothes. _Why wasn’t it real?_ Tears again started to form in his eyes, he hung his head low, staring at his untouched torso, there were no signs of harm or knife slash. Regret and anger started to boil inside of him, it was as if the volcano inside of him is going to erupt soon, and it only took a mere two seconds before the rain from his eyes fell down to his lap. He was shaking, he couldn’t control his breathing, and what’s worse is that the flight attendant saw him.

She tried calling him but Chan didn’t budge, he only started to dig his nails onto his arm, deeper, and deeper. Soon there were bleeding, and screams, and people, then there was Wonwoo who held his hands tightly as the manager started to clean his self inflicted bruises while the other members tried to cover him just in case there were reporters or people trying to film them.

There was a long talk between the manager and the airline people about Chan’s meltdown, the latter could only stay in their rented bus with the members trying not to make it obvious that they’re feeling the tension within Chan’s small space at the corner of the back of the bus.

It was horrible.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Day 2 of vacation started with a quiet morning, the sun peaked from the small space of the blinds in Seokmin and Chan’s shared room. The young one didn’t get sleep, he couldn’t, he kept thinking of that dream and the way it felt so comforting. He cried silently while his older member slept and slurred some words here and there. Normally he would laugh and film him, but that night, he only stared blankly at the curtains, a thick blanket wrapped around his body while he hugs a pillow between his arms and legs, he waited till the sun came up but he didn’t move even if it already greeted him a “good morning”, it wasn’t a good morning.

Chan could still hear the snores of the other members penetrating through the thin walls on the villa, they must be exhausted, and so is he, but he couldn’t catch his sleep as his insomnia had him shackled in both hands and feet.

The male slowly got up and walked outside the room and soon he found himself sitting at the wooden bench out the porch that had a good view of the sea. The sun made the water glisten so beautifully, the calm waves and soft wind danced together at the shore, Chan could only watch in content. His mind empty like his whole body, he never felt so… peaceful. His eyes fluttered as it slowly felt heavy, his eyelids closed to giving up and there he laid asleep on the bench till Minghao found him and asked their leader to bring him up to the room He slept through the whole day..

 

 

* * *

 

 

There were murmurs outside as the youngest woke up, the members were having a meeting to themselves without him. He stood up before opening the door slightly to listen to what they were talking about. There must be a reason why they didn’t wait till he woke up before they call a group meeting.

“I think we should cook food for him, give him a cake or buy him ice cream.”

“Chan would love that.”

_It’s about me again. No wonder._

“I’ve been so worried about him, ever since he disappeared for a whole day, but I said to myself that maybe he’s fine now and that the psychologist helped him recover completely because he never went back, but that thing in the airport scared me.” _Wonwoo hyung…_

“I rarely have time to listen to him these days, I feel so guilty, I keep blaming myself that maybe if I just stopped working whenever Chan asks me to eat with him during lunch time at the practice room, he wouldn’t have felt so lonely.” _Hoshi hyung…_

“As your leader, I should be the one to blame, I’ve treated you all as my kids and it’s my fault why Chan is like this. I should have given him more attention, he’s at that age where he needs extra care. I’m lacking so much, I don’t even know what to do, I keep blaming myself at night, whenever I see him sitting quietly and not laughing at our jokes, or interacting as much with us, I want to hold him and ask what was wrong, I should have done that but I didn’t because I keep denying and telling myself that maybe he just wasn’t feeling well that day. I’m fucking stupid.” _Seungcheol_ _hyung_...

“Cheol, you shouldn’t blame yourself, you too Soonyoung, no one is at fault. No one is to blame in this situation, Chan just needs to feel loved, he needs to feel that we accept him no matter what. We need to work hard to make him feel better.”

Chan couldn’t listen anymore, he shut the door and returned to his bed, pulling the covers to his head. He stared at the white blanket that casted over his eyes, he began to breathe difficultly, there it was again, his chest felt too heavy to move up anymore. He stopped breathing for a while, he stopped trying to fight, he closed his eyes and cried to himself again.

_It’s my fault. It’s my fault._

He felt like shit, if it weren’t for him, the other members wouldn’t be feeling distress and worry over him. He causes so much trouble, he’s too much of a weight to everyone’s shoulder. He felt that maybe, maybe it would be better to just disappear and never come back.

_Maybe they would feel so much better if I don’t exist, I wouldn’t cause them so much pain. I’ll take the pain._

  
He waited. He waited till everyone fell asleep before he disappears. He acted as if he was still sleeping until it was finally dawn. Chan went out of the room and went straight to the kitchen, carrying out his plan, he quietly reached for the kitchen knife that was displayed by the countertop, admiring the metallic blade that showed his miserable face. His eyes were puffy and red, hands were shaking and weak wrapped around the plastic handle. The young boy walked to the glass door that led to a small pool behind their villa, before he noticed the covered plate that had his name written on it on the table to his left. His shaking hands reached out for the paper that had a small note, it was Jihoon’s handwriting.

_‘Hey kid, you didn’t get to eat all day, you have to eat, I figured you’d be awake in the middle of the night looking for food, and these pigs would just eat everything, so I saved some for you. Make sure to eat, take good care of your health, don’t starve yourself, you look better with baby fats. —Jihoon hyung’_

Chan placed the note to the side before taking the cover off the plate, it was barbecue with pasta and some grilled seafoods. He looked down to his feet, hesitating before placing the knife down to the table, before eating heartily. He didn’t have the appetite, but he didn’t want Jihoon to feel bad when he finds out that Chan went away without eating the food that he could have shared with the others.He stared at the empty plate with a heavy heart, “I’m sorry hyung…” he muttered under his breathe before getting up and taking his sharp object to the pool.

Chan dipped his body inside slowly, the cold water drenching his shirt and pajamas, he shivered uncontrollably from the coldness and grief. He held the knife to his pulse, he could feel it beat excitedly as it seemed like it was calling for the blade to slide onto it, he took no hesitation and slit deeply on his wrist, the blood dripped down to the water before dispersing, he took another one, deeper, and another, and another. Chan continued crying, the deeper the knife went the louder his cries got. His lips went pale from the loss of blood from his body, his deep wounds only cried more and more blood, the cold water only kept it from stinging but it didn’t help it close down. The male could see the water around him turn blurry, but he wasn’t sure if it was from his blood dilating in the water or the blood running out of his body. He took the knife once more and brought it close to his stomach before using the force that’s left in his body to push the blade inside. There was spinning and white noise before everything turned black.

 

* * *

 

  
Seokmin woke up to an empty side of the bed, ‘Chan must have gotten up’ he thought to himself before sitting up and rubbing his eyes, there was a strong feeling that he couldn’t explain, it was unsettling, so he walked out of the room and heard muffled cries that grew louder and louder.

“Ch..Chan? Chan is that you?” Seokmin called out loudly, looking around the house as he frantically, in the midst of his panic, he managed to wake up Hansol and Seungkwan who was sleeping at the room downstairs. The two younger member took a few moments to finally hear the cries that slowly died down, Hansol ran outside as he heard it from there and he then screamed for the others as he sees Chan the moment he stabbed himself, he ran to the youngest, not caring if he got wet and covered with his blood, pulling him out of the pool carefully as he cried, repeatedly shouting for help, his whole body trembling in fear and panic. Seungkwan stood there frozen while Seokmin runs to call 911, and report what happened. The other members woke up from the noise, and they all hurriedly went down to see what happened. They were all in shock and agony as they saw the bloody sight of their youngest member in the verge of dying.

  

* * *

 

 

There was a bright light and beeping noises, heavy breathing and an all too familiar empty feeling. Chan fluttered his eyes open, processing everything around him. He couldn’t feel anything, he tried speaking but no words came out, he tilt his head to the side and saw an IV drop connected to a bag of blood that dangled to his side, his arm covered with bandages and there was a slight sting on the side of his abdomen.

“Chan?”

He slowly looked to his other side to see a sleepless and tired Soonyoung staring with hopeful puffy eyes, the older male stood up before taking Chan’s hand in between his two warm ones. He laughed weakly, there was a hint of sadness and happiness in his voice.

“You’re awake.” Soon, the male started to cry and kneel down by the bed, never letting go of the younger’s hands as he hides his face. “You’re… awake oh my god. I thought we’d lose you. Don’t ever fucking do that shit ever again.” He looked up at Chan, who was staring blankly at him, “You little shit.”

“…I’m sorry hyung.” He whispered audibly. Soonyoung forced a smile before standing up and leaning down to leave a small kiss on the younger’s forehead.

“We love you Chan, please stop hurting yourself.”


End file.
